Repercussions
by Dept.Of.Redundancy.Dept
Summary: Bishop deals with the aftermath of her first kill. Takes place during Season 12 Episode 21: Lost In Translation.


"Bishop," Ellie heard the voice of Gibbs whisper into her ear. Or at least she thought she heard his voice. It was hard to hear anything over the sound of her heartbeat pounding through her ears. It felt as if she were dreaming. She couldn't move her feet. She couldn't breath. She could barely even think. All she could do was stare at the cold, lifeless body lying on the ground before her. _Cold. Lifeless. Dead. Because of me._

"Come on. Let's go," Gibbs said. Ellie felt his hands press against her back as he began to gently guide her towards the entrance. Her legs stopped feeling like Jello just long enough to carry her into the crisp night air.

Once she stepped outside, Ellie pushed back her head covering and allowed the brisk wind to cool her overheated skin. She gulped in as much air as she could and tried to ignore the twisting feeling in her stomach.

The two walked back to the car in silence, their feet pounding softly against the ground. From the corner of her eye, Ellie could tell that Gibbs wanted to say something; he kept opening and closing his mouth as if trying to get the words out, but she decided to keep her eyes forward. Up ahead she could see Quasim and Corporal Collins being helped into a truck by their teammates. She knew that she should be happy that they were safe and that she should feel proud that she had been able to help, but her mind kept wandering to the man that had died at the hand of her gun.

 _I had to do it. I had no choice. He was going to kill someone if I hadn't. He was going to kill me._ Ellie was broken away from her thoughts when she realized that Gibbs was no longer walking. They had finally reached the car. Ellie dug around in her pocket for the key, but Gibbs promptly took them away from her trembling hands.

"I'll drive," he said firmly, unlocking the car door. Ellie opened her mouth to protest, but quickly decided against it. She realized she was too shaken up to think clearly, let alone drive, and Gibbs must have sensed that. Ellie suddenly felt a rush a gratitude run through her body. Even at this point Gibbs still had her back. Silently she opened the passenger door and climbed in.

Once the car was in motion, Ellie leaned her head against the window and watched as the landscape flew by in a jumbled blur. She shivered slightly, but it had nothing to do with the temperature.

"You did good today, Bishop," Gibbs finally said after they had been driving for some time. He didn't take his eyes off the road and Ellie didn't move to look at him. She knew she should say something back, something along the lines of 'thank you' perhaps, but her mind was too preoccupied to form a coherent sentence. _Why should one life be considered worth more than another? American, Afghan...they're all equally important._ Hadn't she said those words to Quasim just a day ago on the plane ride here? And yet she had just thrown that belief away in the moment of fear.

Ellie shut her eyes tightly until they began to throb with pain, yet the images kept replaying in her head like a bad horror film. The shouting. The gunshots. The sound of bodies hitting the floor. The more that she thought about it, the more her stomach began churn until...

"Gibbs…" she whimpered, clamping her hand over her mouth. "Stop the car... _please_. The moment the car stopped, Ellie flung the door open and before she knew it, she was on her knees retching her guts out into the dirt. Vomit ripped through her throat like fire and the tips of her hair clung to her sweaty face. As Ellie lifted her arm to wipe the mucus from her mouth, she felt two hands pulling her hair back away from her neck.

"I'm sorry," she choked out, trying to catch her breath. "I'm so sorry…I just…" Another wave of vomit interrupted her words.

"Never say you're sorry." Gibbs said when she finished. He let go of her hair and it swung back into place. "It's a sign of weakness."

"I killed him, Gibbs," Ellie said taking in deep shaky breaths as she blinked back tears.

"You did your job, Bishop."

"I know…"

"It get's easier with time."

"That's what I'm afraid of," she replied.

"You're not the bad guy. It was you or him. You have to remember that."

"Gibbs..."

"You have to remember that, Bishop," Gibbs repeated a little more forcefully. "It's the only way to keep your sanity. Okay?" Ellie lifted her head and forced herself to look him in the eyes.

"Okay," she whispered, drying her tears with her sleeve. With a final pat on the back Gibbs stood up and reached out his hand to help Ellie up.

"You okay now?" Gibbs asked. Ellie nodded as she brushed the dirt off of her clothes. Gibbs lifted his arm to look at his watch. "It's getting late. Let's get back to base and get some sleep. We have a lot of work to do in the morning." He gave her one last look as if to make sure that she was at least somewhat stable.

"I'm fine, Gibbs. Really," Ellie said trying to muster up a reassuring smile. "Let's go."

 _It was him or me._ Those were the words that pulsed through Ellie's mind when she woke up the next morning from a haunting nightmare drenched in sticky sweat. She thought that phrase when she got on the plane to head back to D.C with Gibbs and Quasim and attempted to keep a calm face. She repeated those words when she came home to Jake each night and acted as if everything was normal; as if she didn't have the man's picture permanently tattooed into her brain. _It was him or me. As long as I keep reminding myself of that, I can keep pretending that I'm fine._


End file.
